My Picks for a Celebrity All-Star Zombie Slaying Team

The Walking Dead is hands down my favorite show of all-time. Rust Cohle is my favorite individual character of all-time and Vince Gilligan’s Breaking Bad is the most well-written show in television history (I won’t hear any arguments to the contrary). But there’s something about watching zombies getting gored in brutal and inventive ways that just makes me giddy. I absolutely love the characters and (most of) the writing but the thing I love most is the show’s exploration of what life could be like and what humans can turn into, while both living and dead, when an apocalyptic “reset” button is pressed on society.

I’ve always had an odd and dark fascination with the apocalypse which has led me to love films like The Road, those in the Planet of the Apes series, as well as games like The Last of Us and those in the Fallout series. My interest in this doomful topic has increased since we now have a president that knows and cares little about the 15,000 nuclear weapons on Earth right now; a man that’s about half a dozen tweets and a Big Mac-fueled press conference away from bringing upon a nuclear end of days.

Since I began watching The Walking Dead shortly after season 2 aired, I’ve given a good amount of thought as to what my general plan(s) of action would be if a catastrophic collapse of our somewhat organized society were to occur – specifically if it involved flesh-eating zombies. My main goal would obviously be to get to my family as fast as possible then work to survive long enough to band together with a group of morally righteous individuals, hoping to eventually rebuild some of what was lost. Or in other words, find a real life version of Alexandria.

But if I could handpick a small group of individuals to help my family and I fight off a horde of the undead, who would be the best candidates? If choosing from the world of celebrity, who would make great teammates in an ongoing struggle for survival during a zombie apocalypse? There are a lot of things to consider in this decision but ultimately, there are a number of celebs that immediately come to mind…

Desus Nice & The Kid Mero

These two Bronx natives that are not only absolutely hilarious but also real as fuck. I’ve been a fan of them for the couple few years and if you aren’t familiar with them now, within the next or so there’s a good chance you will be – the brand is very strong right now. I won’t bog you down with super specific details about who they are or what they do because I’m lazy and the video below covers all those bases. They explain who they are, how they came up, and what their excellent show on the excellent TV network Viceland is about.

It’s hilarious and you can get sense of how funny these dudes really are from just a 13 minute video. Having people around to make you laugh even when death is literally around every corner would be phenomenal. Which, as much as I love TWD as it is, I also love comedy; a bit more comedic relief in the show would be appreciated. I don’t give a damn how horrible life can be, you can still shed tears from laughter even when it’s only sadness that grips you.

These two are also no strangers to the struggles of living with a general lack of resources. In the video they mention having to eat duck sauce soup and ketchup sandwiches because they were so broke they didn’t really have a choice. Broke food and apocalypse food are one in the same. You ever eat beans out the can because you didn’t have enough dish soap to eat out of a plate or a bowl? Being broke = living in a personal apocalyptic wasteland, trust me.

I’m sure they would also be able to hold their own when danger comes knocking. In a November 2016 interview with The Fader, Desus said, “Being from the Bronx, you know life is cheap. So you’re able to apply that to when you see ISIS videos and other people are like, ‘Yo, ISIS is out here chopping heads off.’ But for me it’s like, I could get my head chopped off at three in the morning in front of the bodega.”
Being born and raised in an area where a horrific and hellish group like ISIS doesn’t phase you means you definitely aren’t going to be afraid of groups like The Governor’s people or Negan’s Saviors. Not only would they be handle themselves well, but they would be hilarious all the way through to the end. I’d love to be running though the middle of a hoard and hear “don’t put me at risk” (a joke from incredibly funny podcast hosted by Red Bull called The Bodega Boys. Or to roast goofy looking zombies and make fun of one another’s shooting abilities when we miss easy targets.

Serena Williams

Not only is she a legendary tennis player with  23 Grand Slam wins and 4 Olympic gold medals under her belt but, as illustrated by this fantastic cover story by The Fader (that publication is amazing), she is also intelligent, insightful, full of humility and funny (there’s that word again). I get that the sense that if someone had no idea who she was, they would never guess she was one of the most decorated athletes in history because of how down to earth she is, which is astounding to me because my ego would be the size of Wimbledon Stadium  by the time I was that accomplished.

From that cover story you also get the sense that she is no push over. She once chased a man down and confronted him after he stole her cell phone in a crowded restaurant. As humble as Serena Williams is, she is not one to mess with. In 2013 she served a tennis ball 128.3 miles per hour…lol wut…If there is anyone that could decapitate dozens of the undead with the ease of swinging a flyswatter, it would be her.

Williams would be our Michonne – an incredibly tough and aggressive yet very intelligent and honorable black woman that’s highly skilled at swinging objects that could cause severe bodily harm.


Neil deGrasse Tyson

No crew baring the hardships and horrors of a post-apocalyptic wasteland is complete without a true brainiac. And what better brain to have around than the illustrious and just all-around awesome Neil deGrasse Tyson? Even though he is technically an astrophysicist, he is well known for his outstanding logic and general wealth of knowledge on all things science related. His area of expertise is understanding space but I would be willing to bet he knows enough about chemistry to make a bomb out of typical household items, much like Eugene.


But Mr. Tyson, like Desus and Mero, is from the Bronx. And not only that, but he wrestled throughout high school and college, so I can’t imagine him backing down during an altercation, unlike Eugene. Tyson is almost 60 years old but I bet he is still very capable of taking another grown man down or cutting through a handful of zombies with a machete. With an undergraduate degree in physics from Harvard, he would be an invaluable asset in getting the crew out of tight situations and crafting weapons, traps and defenses to use against the living and the dead. An intelligence of his caliber is certainly something you want on your side because it would be a nightmare to challenge him in life-or-death battle of wits.

Apparently this is Photoshopped, but that doesn’t keep it from being badass.

Lauren Cohan

I chose her after asking the simple question, “Why not?” Why not have the woman that plays, wonderfully I might add, Maggie on TWD be part of my hypothetical apocalypse A-Team?

I’ve been a big fan of both Maggie Greene Rhee, the character, and Lauren Cohan, the actress, since I first started watching the show. Maggie is as empathetic as she is ferocious and her plotline is such an enjoyable and vital part of the overall narrative.

Being a part of The Walking Deadprinciple cast has got to be the closest thing to actual zombie apocalypse training there is, right? Other than using prop weapons rather than real ones, of course. Although, Lauren did say during an interview on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, “I have an urge to stay away from an blood. Being on the show has not made me stronger to like, the elements or to any violence. It’s made me extremely squeamish.

To me that only means she will inevitably be a very good shooter because she can keep enemies at a distance and not get their blood splashed on her when she kills them.


It’s also worth noting that Cohan is playing Tupac’s first manager, Leila Steinberg, in the upcoming biopic All Eyez on Me about the late and my all-time favorite rapper. And Danai Gurira aka Michonne is playing Tupac’s mother, Afeni Shakur, in the film as well. *Insert dad joke about Tupac being a “Walking Dead” man somewhere in Cuba or Puerto Rico. On an unrelated side note – Leila Steinberg is the manager of my favorite living rapper, Earl Sweatshirt. All of these connections remind me that the world can be a beautiful place sometimes.


And so there it is, my ideal five person all-star starting line-up for the potentially incoming but hopefully hypothetical Trumpocalypse. Five people (six including myself) is good squad number because it’s large enough to put up a damn good fight against a decent sized zombie mass or a small group of living enemies. However, the group is still small enough to be very mobile and not demand an abundance of resources. I unintentionally made this a predominately black crew but I’m glad it is because The Walking Dead loves to kill off its black characters. At least in my group’s case, if they killed one of us we would still have the numbers to have an excellent roasting session so take that Hollywood. #SMDFTB

Right now the show is as good as it’s ever been and these celebrities are as successful as they’ve ever been. I hope things continue that way and Trump lets us all at least make it to season 9.


Robb Bank$ Concert in Chicago

Buying a concert ticket to see one of my favorite artists is what I imagine a football fan feels when watching their team play a Super Bowl Game. For me, the stakes are just as high and a grand celebration is just as warranted if the task is completed. Scrambling to figure out if my schedule and bank account will let me make any forward progress, passing the information to all my interested friends, tackling the logistics of getting there and finally rushing to the goal of the venue are all part of the game. It’s only once the goal lines of the admission gates have been crossed and the artist walks on stage that game clock ticks to zero. Then the cheers ring out, the confetti falls and buzzes are caught like 45 yard passes.

In late December I bought tickets to see rappers Robb Bank$ and Da$h at the Bottom Lounge in Chicago on February 17th and this is a chronicle of my (sort of) Windy City Super Bowl concert experience. Peep how it went

Trey & Morgan’s Band Names

Eric Andre has a website dedicated to amazing, hilarious, and absurd band names that he comes up with. One day my sister and I were sitting around playing Guitar Hero and just we just randomly started coming up with band names of our own. After we quickly realized how fun it was, we started to write them down. So in honor of how funny Eric Andre and my sister are, here is the list we came up with. I hope you like them and if you don’t, please write me a 5-paragraph essay explaining which ones and why in the comments. Watch the Eric Andrew Show. Check ’em out

Curren$y’s 12 Tapes in 12 Months – Hardest AWorker in Hip-Hop

Full Disclosure: I’m a huge Curren$y fan and have followed his career for about the last decade. But I’m trying really hard to look at this as objectively as possible. Be prepared for possible failure.

Very often, I have conversations with my friends about what artists and albums we’ve been listening to lately. My response is usually a mix of old and new rap, old and new death metal and a handful of random artists (as of late it’s been The Weeknd and Gesaffelstein, thanks for asking). But around 50 percent of the time the topic comes up, I drop Curren$y’s name. This is due in part to the fact that I’m always revisiting previous projects (Covert Coupe and Pilot Talk 3 have rarely ever left my rotation since their respective releases in 2011 and 2015), and also because he is constantly dropping new music.

Over the course of 2016 he dropped 12 full mixtape projects at exactly 1 per month, for the entire year…

Let me say that again…12 mixtapes in 12 months

View this post on Instagram

Break the Internet me….. @fortyfps

A post shared by spitta_andretti (@spitta_andretti) on

His March and April projects, Weed & Instrumentals and Revolver (the latter of which featured an accompanying short film he acted in) were released only one week apart. Prior to last year Curren$y had released a whopping total of 32 mixtapes and 12 studio albums. The New Orleans-based rapper is no stranger to pumping out music consistently. But it was the sheer rate with which his 2016 tapes dropped that was so jarring and what makes this past year so special for him.

It’s such an interesting concept to think about – can you imagine if Crystal Castles, Anderson .Paak, Kaytranada, DJ Snake, PartyNextDoor, or Lil Uzi Vert dropped a full EP every single month? Or even 6 times in a year? What would that be like for the very first artist that comes to your mind? While it’s certainly not an impossible task for most musicians to release that many projects in 365 days, how much of that output would be good and how much would be watered down garbage worse than what’s in your sink disposal trap?

View this post on Instagram

It was fun.

A post shared by spitta_andretti (@spitta_andretti) on

Even with such a demanding release schedule, Curren$y’s mixtapes didn’t seem too rushed. The production values were high across the board and you could tell there was legitimate effort put into each project. For the most part, there was a general vibe or theme behind each work. Stoned on Ocean is meant to make you feel like what the title says – being high as hell, relaxing in very close proximity to the ocean. The four tapes in the Andretti series that ended the year are supposed to illicit feelings of riding in four very different lowriders on four very different nights New Orleans – distinct yet not wholly dissimilar from one another. But even for all their variations, his strong lyricism and ability to cruise effortlessly over excellent beats was consistently there. That consistency, in my opinion, is what has allowed him to flourish in the rap game all this time. It was this delicate balance of switching the vibes but maintaining his trademark consistency that has kept him from getting boring. His history of dropping quality music is what kept fans, like myself, hitting those download links for every release in 2016.

However, he didn’t go a perfect 12 for 12 during the year. The two Weed & Instrumentals tapes were a bit disappointing because many of the songs sounded a little disjointed. He was rapping at pace a little quicker than his usual on the kinds of beats he typically doesn’t rap on, so his efforts seemed forced. Also, The Owner’s Manual and Revolver lacked the certain animation, pizzaz, luster or whatever you wish to call it that has been present on the majority of his other works. But that is to say, these four projects were just decent in my opinion, especially compared to the other eight projects that I thought were damn good. This is not to say the four I named are embarrassingly bad, they just aren’t phenomenal.

His fan base is dedicated and one that is used to him releasing quality material so often that they can quickly forgive him for releasing a sub par tape. They/we know there’s a 4 out of 5 fire flame emojis-worthy tape coming shortly.

Lil B and Gucci Mane are two more major rap artists with absurdly extensive catalogs and their fan bases are just as loyal. Lil B has 49 mixtapes and 10 albums while Gucci has 67 mixtapes (!) and 10 albums. The Bitch Mob and the Burrhive*** (names for Lil B’s and Gucci’s fans respectively) are devoted and gladly collect all the new music released by their champions. They’re just as forgiving as Curren$y fans when a release isn’t quite as glorious as ones previous.

View this post on Instagram

Stay ready

A post shared by spitta_andretti (@spitta_andretti) on

All three of these artists, each legendary in their own right, made a career long habit out of going against the conventional wisdom that says you should always leave audiences wanting more. These rappers barely give their fans enough time to digest their last offering before they’re feeding the streets again, and that’s been a large part of their recipes for affluence.

It’s hard to imagine a lot of artists pulling succeeding after an endeavor like dropping 12 tapes in so many months. I think one reason deals with fan and critic perception – it could seem like the artist was trying too hard. It might come off as being disingenuous, like they were trying to capitalize on their own popularity or their “moment”. An artist could be labeled greedy or overly anxious to see their name in music headlines again. That level of vanity and insecurity is noticed faster than shwag weed at a Spitta show.

But with his name popping up so much in rap circles during 2016, did he wear his dedicated fans out? Did he push some potential new fans away with his constant barrage of new content? Possibly. Since I’ve been an avid fan for years at this point, I have no trouble finding out a new tape exists, downloading it and making a concentrated effort to listen to it – even when he drops music at such a frenetic pace.

However, if I were an outsider looking in, a new fan hoping to be drifted away on a lyrical weed cloud, I would be pretty intimidated. Even if I was a longtime fan but stepped away from listening for a year, there would be a lot of catching up to do. I’m sure there are some folks that are turned off by feeling pressured to catch up with all his releases. There are no doubt others that relish the opportunity to hear hours and hours of Curren$y they hadn’t heard before – it simply varies from fan to fan.

With this 12-in-12-months feat Curren$y showed his fans, and the world, he was in full stride. It doesn’t seem like he’s slowing own anytime soon either. I do a decent amount of comment reading on posts of particular interest to me (it’s pathetic but I like to see the nonsense that goes on in there sometimes). I saw a lot of “hardest working man in hip-hop” comments on the posts related to his mixtapes from last year. And I fully agree with that sentiment – I believe Curren$y is 100 percent the hardest working rapper in the game today. The Herculean feat he accomplished is worthy of praise just as strong. Anyone can sloppily throw some mediocre songs together and release them for fans to begrudgingly soak up. It takes real effort to make those worth listening to. There are rappers whose projects go farther on the Billboard charts or those that have more intensive tour schedules, and these artists undoubtedly work very hard. Yet for Spitta it’s the consistency and pacing I’ve mentioned for the 200th time that keeps him busier than any other rapper, and generally most musicians in overall.

The crazy thing is he really doesn’t have to do anything like this. At this point in his career, he could disappear for a couple years, leaving without a peep and come back to find his fans still cheering louder than the most potent of OG kush strains. But this is a man that truly loves his job. Why would someone ever want to work so hard otherwise? It has to be super fun for him otherwise he wouldn’t do it. And he’s perfecting his craft more and more with each release. I think he’s in the prime of his career at this moment, which is saying a lot because he has been killing it since the How Fly days back in 2009 with Wiz Khalifa. That kind of work ethic is truly admirable and it’s something I strive to emulate myself in this upcoming year as best I can. But c’mon, that’s a hell of a pace to keep up with.

• Stoned on Ocean
• 11/30
• 12/30
• 9/30
• The Carrollton Heist


Names for pistols

Jean Claude Van Blam.
Terrell Sluggs.
Luger Vandross.
Final Boss.
Nine Millimeter Peter.
Freddy Ruger.
Black Nasty.
Our Lady of Piece.
Exclamation Point.
Montell Black.
Rick Ross’s Appetite (can only be used for a very large gun)
3rd World Moral Compass.


This is mad old but I wanted to keep it up here because why not?

Everyone loves Beyoncé. The overwhelming majority of women want to BE Beyoncé, or at least have some (most) of her qualities. Beyoncé is the physical embodiment of the PERFECT woman. She is to all women worldwide what Barbie (the doll) was to young (white American) girls in the 90’s, something they fantasize longingly to be. Strong, motivated, sexy, independent, humble, beautiful, inspiring, and with just the perfect amount of sass (Beyonce would be liable to slap you if ever you called her a Barbie). She is who women want to be and who men want to be with. Get a little bit more Lemonade