My Picks for a Celebrity All-Star Zombie Killing Team

The Walking Dead is hands down my favorite show of all-time. Rust Cohle is my favorite individual character of all-time and Vince Gilligan’s Breaking Bad is the most well-written show in television history (I won’t hear any arguments to the contrary). But there’s something about watching zombies getting gored in brutal and inventive ways that just makes me giddy. I absolutely love the characters and (most of) the writing but the thing I love most is the show’s exploration of what life could be like and what humans can turn into, while both living and dead, when an apocalyptic “reset” button is pressed on society.

I’ve always had an odd and dark fascination with the apocalypse which has led me to love films like The Road and those in the Planet of the Apes series and games like The Last of Us and those in the Fallout Series. My interest in this doomful topic has increased since we now have a temperamental prom queen for a president that knows and cares little about the 15,000 nuclear weapons on Earth right now; one that is about half a dozen tweets and an incoherent press conference away from bringing upon a nuclear end of days.

Since I began watching The Walking Dead shortly after season 2 aired, I’ve given a good amount of thought as to what my general plan(s) of action would be in the sudden event of the collapse of life as we know it. My main goal would obviously be to get to my family and the do our best survive long enough to band together with a group of (at least somewhat) morally righteous individuals that hope to rebuild all that was lost. Or in other words, find a real life version of Alexandria.

My family would undoubtedly make a very good zombie killing squad, and that’s a brag I am completely unashamed to make. But I’ve also thought about what my ideal celebrity zombie killing squad would be like. And the list goes as follows:

Desus Nice & The Kid Mero

These two Bronx natives that are not only absolutely hilarious but also real as fuck. I’ve been a fan of them for the couple few years and if you aren’t familiar with them now, within the next or so there’s a good chance you will be – the brand is very strong right now. I won’t bog you down with super specific details about who they are or what they do because I’m lazy and the video below covers all those bases. They explain who they are, how they came up, and what their excellent show on the excellent TV network Viceland is about.

It’s hilarious and you can get sense of how funny these dudes really are from just a 10 minute video. Having people around to make you laugh even when death is literally around every corner would be phenomenal. Which, as much as I love TWD as it is, I also love comedy so a bit more comedic relief would be appreciated. I don’t give a damn how horrible life can be, you can still shed tears from laughter even when you only want to do so from sadness.

These two are also no strangers to the struggles of living with a general lack of resources. In the video they mention having to eat duck sauce soup and ketchup sandwiches because they were so broke they didn’t really have a choice. Broke food and apocalypse food are one in the same. You ever eat beans out the can because you didn’t have enough dish soap to eat out of a plate or a bowl? Being broke = living in a personal apocalyptic wasteland, trust me.

I’m sure they would also be able to hold their own when danger comes knocking. In a November 2016 interview with The Fader, Desus said “…being from the Bronx, you know life is cheap. So you’re able to apply that to when you see ISIS videos and other people are like, “Yo, ISIS is out here chopping heads off.” But for me it’s like, I could get my head chopped off at three in the morning in front of the bodega.” Being born and raised in an area where a horrific and hellish group like ISIS doesn’t phase you means you definitely aren’t going to be afraid of groups like The Governor’s people or Negan’s Saviors.
Not only would they be able to hold their own bit they’d be hilarious all the way through to the end. I’d love to be running though the middle of a hoard and hear “don’t put me at risk”. Or to roast goofy looking zombies and make fun of one another’s shooting abilities when we miss easy targets.

Serena Williams

We would definitely need a woman on this team. Running around a post apocalyptic wasteland with nothing but dudes would get a little trying. We would need a female presence to keep us grounded and keep the testosterone levels from eventually boiling over, thus keeping us from acting like barbarians and eventually killing one another. And what better person for the job than one of the greatest athletes of all-time, of any gender, Serena Williams?

Not only is she a legendary tennis player with  23 Grand Slam wins and 4 Olympic gold medals under her belt but, as illustrated by this fantastic cover story by The Fader (that publication is amazing), she is also intelligent, insightful, full of humility, and funny. I get that the sense that if someone had no idea who she was, they would never guess that she was one of the most decorated athletes in history because of how down to earth she is, which is astounding to me because my head would be the size of a blimp by the time I was that accomplished.

From that cover story you also get the sense that she is no push over. She once chased a man down and confronted him after he stole her cell phone in a crowded restaurant. As humble as Serena Williams, she is not one to fuck with. In 2013 she served a tennis ball 128.3 miles per hour…lol wut smh stahp…If there’s anyone that could decapitate dozens of undead flesheathers with the ease of swinging a flyswatter, it would be her.

Williams would be our Michonne – an incredibly tough and aggressive yet very intelligent and honorable black woman that’s highly skilled at swinging objects that could cause bodily harm.

serena

Neil deGrasse Tyson

No crew baring the hardships and horrors of a post-apocalyptic wasteland is complete without a true brainiac. And what better brain to have around than the illustrious and just all-around awesome Neil deGrasse Tyson? Even though he is technically an astrophysicist, he is well known for his outstanding logic and general wealth of knowledge on all things science related. His field of expertise is in understanding things happening in space but I would be willing to bet he knows enough about chemistry to make a bomb out of typical household items, much like Eugene.

neil

But Mr. Tyson, like Desus and Mero, is from the Bronx. And not only that, but he wrestled throughout high school and college, so I can’t image that he would be a cowering little punk bitch during an altercation, much like Eugene (or at least when his character was first introduced, he’s come around a bit since then). Tyson is almost 60 years old but I bet he could still knock someone (human) out if he really tried and could hold his own against a handful of zombies armed with nothing but a machete. With an undergraduate degree in physics from Harvard, he would be an invaluable asset in getting the crew out of tight situations and creating weapons, traps, and defenses to use against the living and the dead.

Apparently this is Photoshopped, but that doesn’t keep it from being badass.

But he would also be someone to watch out for, because someone that intelligent could be dangerous if he ever decided to go rouge and turn on the group. An intelligence of his caliber is certainly something you want on your side because it would be a nightmare to challenge him in life-or-death battle of wits. He could lead the group into a trap he set up and the crew would be none the wiser. So it would be important to keep him happy. A portable telescope would be a priority on the “To Find” list.

Lauren Cohan

Why not? Why not have the woman that plays, wonderfully I might add, Maggie on the show be on my hypothetical apocalypse A-Team?

I’ve been a big fan of both Maggie Greene Rhee the character and Lauren Cohan the actress since I first started watching the show. Maggie is as empathetic as she is ferocious and is such a wonderful and vital part of the overall narrative. And Lauren Cohan is fantastically beautiful, which is really all the justification my shallow-ass needs to be a fan of someone. Plus she is into meditating which I really dig as I am getting into meditation myself.

Being a part of The Walking Deadprinciple cast has got to be the closest thing to actual zombie apocalypse training there is right? Other than using prop weapons rather than real ones, of course. Although, Lauren did say during an interview on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, “I have an urge to stay away from an blood. Being on the show has not made me stronger to like, the elements or to any violence. It’s made me extremely squeamish. To me that only means she will inevitably be a very good shooter because she can keep enemies at a distance and not get their blood splashed on her when she kills them.

lauren

It’s also worth noting that Cohan is playing Tupac’s first manager, Leila Steinberg, in the upcoming biopic All Eyez on Me about the late and my all-time favorite rapper. And Danai Gurira aka Michonne is playing Tupac’s mother, Afeni Shakur, in the film as well. *Insert dad joke about Tupac being a “Walking Dead” man somewhere in Cuba or Puerto Rico #MakaveliTheDad #Dadaveli*. On an unrelated side note – Leila Steinberg is the manager of my favorite living rapper, Earl Sweatshirt. All of these connections remind me that the world can be a truly beautiful place sometimes.

pac

And so there it is, my ideal 5 person all-star starting line-up for the potentially incoming but hopefully hypothetical Trumpocalypse. 5 people (6 including myself) is good squad number because it’s large enough to put up a damn good fight against a decent sized horde or a small group of living enemies. But it’s small enough to be very mobile, not demand an abundance of resources and for everyone to be very close-knit (hiiii, Lauren =) what’s good?). I unintentionally made this a predominately black crew but I’m glad it is because The Walking Dead loves to kill off its black characters, which is true of entire horror genre. At least in my group’s case, if they killed one of us we would still have the numbers to have an excellent roasting session so take that Hollywood. #SMDFTB

Right now the show is as good as it’s ever been and these celebrities are as successful as they’ve ever been. I hope things continue that way and Trump lets us all at least make it to season 9.

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